Ah, being allergic to dairy. I remember it like it was today, because it is. I do have memories of it that date back to Kindergarten. It was one of my very first days of school and I had begged mum to let me have a strawberry milk with my lunch order. Big mistake. Huge. The girl I threw up on afterwards still reminds me of it to this day.
But it’s not that bad being lactose intolerant if you know how to get around it. Here’s my bulletproof way of living the dairy life you were meant to live, even if your digestive system thinks otherwise. Shut it, bowels. The tastebuds are taking over!
1. Find replacements
This one took me a while to get used to because, even though I love almond milk in my porridge, it’s pretty gross in coffee. Don’t worry though you guys. Have you ever even heard of soy milk? It’s pretty good. Especially Bon Soy. That stuff is the BUSINESS.
Feel like yoghurt? Try Co-Yo instead! Coconut yoghurt is also the BUSINESS. It can be pretty pricey but you only need a tablespoon when you add it to granola or have it with some fruit, so it’ll last you a while. And it is DELICIOUS.
I would give you a replacement option for cheese, but I just can’t disrespect it like that. Vegan cheese? No such thing, you guys. It might be vegan, but it ain’t cheese. If you’re like me, hopefully you can handle the good stuff in small doses!
"But hold on there, Lou. What about chocolate?" I gotchu covered my fellow lactose intolerees. Dark chocolate! Or you can make your own! It’s no Dairy Milk, but it’s still pretty delish.
2. Get up on that medicatche
I’m not just saying this because I work in a pharmacy, but you guys should try Lacteeze. It’s medicine for when you want to eat dairy but your bowels are like “WHY?!” You can just chew on these little tablets before you have dairy and 99% of the time you won’t get sick!
3. Make sure everyone knows you mean BUSINESS
I love baristas more than I love most people. I couldn’t live without coffee everyday. But sometimes, when you ask for soy or skim milk, they give you full cream milk. It’s not their fault, you guys. They’re creating the best drink in the whole wide world and sometimes they just fang the wrong type of milk in. But that’s no fun if you drink it and end up in the bathroom for hours on end afterwards! No fun for anyone! Especially the toilet! Here’s my hot tip: Get buddy-buddy with your barista so they know your coffee order. Mine even knows about my dairy allergy. Not because I’ve filled her in on my bowel situation, but I totally have. Hey, what are best pals for if not talking about digestive systems? Embrace it, I say!
4. When you do risk it to get the biscuit, make sure it’s the good stuff
If you’ve run out of lacteeze and you just GOTTA have dairy, don’t waste it on the stuff you’d re-gift to aquaintances for Christmas. If you’re going to have dairy, go ALL OUT. No brand ice cream? Forget it pals. Hit up Messina and marvel in its glory. Plastic cheese slices? Are you insane?! Get into that camembert and blue vein for goodness sake! If you’re going to take the risk, make sure it’s worth it. I took risk after risk when I went to America and ate all of the dairy, but BOY was it worth it. They sure know their way around mac and cheese, I’ll tell you that much for free.
5. Transform your bathroom into a magical and blissful haven
I don’t even care if people find this gross because I know I have enough lactose intolerant pals in the world that will appreciate this. Unless you’re superman/woman, it’s very unlikely that you’ll stay away from dairy for the rest of your life. It’s just too delicious! And when, like I mentioned before, you take the risk and indulge in the good stuff, you’ve got to make sure you’re going to be comfortable if your body just totally rejects the double cream you just had with dessert. Don’t worry you guys, I’ve got you covered! Pop a few candles in your bathroom, set that ambiance! After all, odds are you’re going to be in there for a while. Here’s my hot tip: take your laptop or iPad with you. My mum thinks it’s disgusting when dad or I take electronic devices in, but der Mum, it’s the 21st century! Netflix is the new newspaper! It’s the only way to go!
LIVE LIFE, YOU GUYS. Drink all of the Nutella thickshakes, throw your lactose intolerance in the air and forget about it like you just don’t care!